preorder 12" gogogogoogooooooo

this is a very shrunk version of 1/4 of the rebuilt cover art for the 2x12 release of Vs Everything. We promised everyone we'd make this happen and cos jack is awesome it has. preorder linky is at the bottom if you want to skip the part of this where i moan about shit.

1) Brian Wood's new comic, The Massive, is just brilliant and everyone should go buy it

2) Bands reforming is kind of like exes coming on to you innit. Like, you were awesome and you probably are still but I've kinda moved on. and I feel guilty cos I was into those bands with all my heart and soul and wallet and they break up and I get all upset and then get over it and find another band to fall in love with and then they come back and they're all HEY GUYS WE NEVER REALLY BROKE UP WE WERE JUST DOING DIFFERENT THINGS! fuck no, you broke up. I remember where i was when I heard about it and I maybe cried.  I'm barely past teary eyed 4am youtube crushes and I just want to call bullshit: all you guys, you walked away from me, and now you have drunk nostalgia money eyes and you want me back.

I'd never be so rude tho, cos you guys are my actual heroes. You invented me.

 I loved you once. You were massive parts of my life. You lost it to whatever mundane reasons that eventually end bands; egos, boredom, bank balances. and nothing you did since caught fire like that again. You faded out, became replaced. Nostalgia is a sound business plan now. So you cash in. because fuck knows you deserve to be paid. You deserve infinite money for those goosebumps you raised on my arms; be they last night at 4am over my shitty laptop or a damp Thursday evening in 1998 at the Shite and Duck in Camden. Those feelings are literally priceless

I don't think there's any shame in that. Or that there's any shame for not wanting to play shows where the poster says  "[your new band] featuring [your name] ex-[your old band]" It's just a shame that this is what it comes down to; nostalgia fest & karaoke value. play your most famous album! play it in order! I've seen soooo mannnnnnnny taglines, fb statuses, press clippings: party like it's 1997/99/02/04. and I refuse. I refuse to be told to party like it's the past.

Don't get me wrong, this is My Problem. I'm stoked that 15 years  of word of mouth meant Cap'n Jazz could afford decent fees when they came over here. I'm happy and jealous that my friends got to dance onstage with the D-Plan, and I'm happy and smug that I got to be Pavement's merch guy. But there's so many amazing songs and records and tours being made by bands have something to say in the present tense. I don't want nostalgia. I don't want to remember the good old days, I want relevance and The Now. I want my artists to be making new shit, unfolding new real time adventures. Doing stuff that relates directly to other people alive on earth at this instant
I just don't want to see my heroes admitting they have nothing left to say to me. I don't want to see them as museum pieces when i last knew them as living breathing active creations.

Yeh this is cos of Cable. I don't want to go watch Cable. even tho, in their day, I would have crawled thru poo to have the chance. They'll be amazing. Their songs still sound punchy and clever and the lyrics are pure poetry and they have choruses as big as the atlantic. and they'll have a crowd as fervent as their heyday to play off. and I'll be at home bitter cos of this weird hangup.


3) I'm sorry for placing that rant in front of this all important link:

PREORDER JOHNNY FOREIGNER VS EVERYTHING 2x12" GATEFOLD SUPER - RECORD

Comprising of the complete "Vs Everything" album and all relevant b sides: Remember 2011, when we released that record? ahhhh It was ace weren't it. REMODEL REPACKAGE. Shut up, we've never had a proper record album before so we're clearly overcompensating with this. Excite!!::

Because we're (jack) is lovely, have a free downloadable song also.

Also note, the first 100 orders will come with this:

stickerbook! stickers! hells yes.

The street date, YO, is 16th July. but seriously, if we take an extra week finishing shit, you're not allowed to be mad at us.

aunty piracy measures

yay you guys, it's interactive band time again.

im going to assume you've read this, which was kinda the impetus to try this little experiment yr all invited to.

tldr, this guy [captain leaky] had an advance review copy of our record, and has been sending it to his mates. and one of them wrote to us and i wrote him back explaining how it had nothing to do with the - O I WAS GOING TO BUY IT ANYWAY - and how reliant we are on everyone simultaneously buzzing about it come release week, because thats when the wider world is going to be looking at us.

honestly i feel a twinge of guilt here. we have become the empire. because its YOU, you who reads this blog and champion our cause and get all righteous with us, that wants to hear the record the most/is the most susceptible to leak temptage. and its also YOU that we're relying on to make a big internet hoohaa when it comes out.

i know two months is a massive wait. we've never had a release this ambitious, we've never released over 3 territories (uk, europe, japan) at the same time before, the deluxe album package we're putting together is FUCKING AMAZE and requires more time and effort. Basically, for once, we have our asses organised and have enough time to actually pull this off, and it could so easily be ruined by YOU if yr the kind of person always demands his/her christmas present early.

The nature of what we do means we have to compete with bands and labels with much bigger financial clout than us. and yknow, i'd like to think we do it because we have more committed (and better looking) fans. so, y'know, please dont let us down. this whole thing works as a community, so you can celebrate with all of us in november, or on yr own in a dank and morally grey corner of the internet.

anyway, i'm sure a few of you are as cynical as i am. it's going to happen anyway right? there's no way we can contain all the leaks. it's depressingly true. someone, somewhere, is going to be a bastard.

but! what if we were bastards first? what if we took the power and leaked the record ourselves?

Johnny Foreigner Vs Everything 2011 PROMO

mirror

mirror 2

bam. fuck you pirates.

hey, not really. but sort of. the link above is our album, + 4 distortion patches, 3 echo plug ins, 2 flangers, and a deep swell phaser. it's basically an hour of this: fssssssSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSsssssssssssssSSHHHHHHHHH

i'm sure you've seen a few bands try this before. its a rad idea. but it doesn't really work, cos most aggregator sites, filestube, rapidsearch, etc search through blogs and forums, not the filehosting pages themselves.

can you see where this is going? you are a weapon. we can aim you.

we'd like you to download that link, then reupload it somewhere and post a link in a forum or on yr blog. feel free to add in some kind of "this is totally messed up and i'm doing it cos i believe in the power of punk rock" disclaimer text.

if we can flood the search engines with a bunch of fake copies then it'll make it way harder to get the real thing when it eventually leaks.

this is maybe a minute of clicking and 5 minutes waiting, then another minute of clickage on your part. here's a list of sites that host stuff for free, where you dont have to sign up or register. thanks, piracy, for being such a big part of the internet that we have these minimum security fast websites.

filesonic

fileserve

mediafire

megaupload

wupload

rapidshare

feel free to change the filename to make it more confusingly realistic;

-add words like "ADVANCE" and "review copy" and "FULL RELEASE" etcy.

-a lot of pirate groups have a dumb selfserving tag or team name they attach too. feel free to invent yr own.

then, when yr done, get the link and put it in whatever forums you use, or on yr blog, or yr god damn tumblr, or on 4chan..

anyway, prize element: everyone who takes part, and sends us proof will get a code from jack for 50p off the preorder when we annouce it. I know it's not a whole lot, but we hope you'll take part cos you realise how much this means to us, as opposed to the financial reward. consider it yet another token of appreciation from our responsible adults.

whoever deals the most damage will recieve, from us, the original recovered-from-the-sea-bed 1920s playbill that forms the basis of the book that accompanies the special edition album release.

i know you dont know what i'm talking about but i've already said too much too soon. if it gets to a heated competition then we'll throw in some other original bits of artworks too. send linky or screencappy proof to johnnyforeigner@hotmail.co.uk

and title the message Me Vs Pirates

i don't think any bands ever tried this before. im not sure most bands have the kind of fans that would even care, but we're not most bandsso y'know, consider yrselves punk pioneers, and go do us proud.

thank you

xlex

hands vs fangs

O GOD ITS BEEN SO LONG, ARE YOU STILL THERE?

i dont know if hyperproud is a real word but thats what we are. we can now start telling you stuff about our new record. it was recorded and mixed over a luxurious 5 month period, by our old friend dominique james, and it sounds perfect. it sounds like a huge expansive sprawling ambitious and personal version of us. it sounds like we do in our heads. it's called, johnny foreigner vs everything, and will be available november 7th on alcopop.

here is a cover:

that's not thee cover btw. technically, the finished product will have 2 covers. you'll find out more, soon.

i hate these writeups. i can't sum up, in terms soundbytey or otherwise, how it feels to have made real something thats spent the last 2 and a half years hanging round our heads as rough ideas, plans, sketches and shadows. we've genuinely been obsessed with making this record. there's a hole in my life between 2 and 5 am, cos all the lyrics are finished, all the arrangements solidified and the mixes complete.

idk. it felt like we took a massive gamble leaving our old label. sure, we're free to be tru punx forever and we have so much moral high ground we can see right down yr top, but oh, all that other-peoples-money. we knew we'd have to come back with a better record on a worse budget to justify our stance, and when all yr armed with is confidence in a bunch of songs noone's actually heard yet, it makes for a pretty righteous victory to listen back after half a years stress and sweat and ruined sleeping patterns and realise we've fucking achieved it.

both our previous records were made in new york, by expensive and established producers, in purpose built studios full of boxes that did clever things to sound we can't pronounce. we made this in birmingham, in a warehouse under the arches and dom's parents spare room. we've never had this much control over recording, or been able to take so long, or had a producer that grew up with us buying the same records at the same time and whose mother constantly fed us square and balanced meals.

this record is us, made by us. it doesn't feel like a gamble anymore, is what i'm stumbling around to. there's this quote

also related, this is now a thing. a promotional youtube up onto which we shall upload various video larks pertaining to aforementioned AWESOME NEW RECORD. don't expect anything to make much cohesive sense. we'll be adding more and more up till release date

kkk. so would you like to hear some songs then? WOULD YOU EVER!

here is our next release: (don't) show us your fangs by johnny foreigner

the hand that slaps you back by johnny foreigner

because we're awesome, (and, y'know, have bandcamp) there's a limited number of free downloads of (don't) show us your fangs here.

but, because YOU are awesome, we'd much rather you did this.

see, all the things that are better than frisbees were too impractical/expensive to do. srsly, you have no idea the logistical problems involved in baking a cookie around a cd and posting it around the world.

so strong jack pop has come up with an alternative:

sticker + single = stingle. here's lewes's awesome skateboard sticker design:

you can't see here, but it's like, totally cut out around the ghost shape. this is what happens when we source stuff out to professionals instead of gluing our hands together in the back of splitter vans like special children. so, for £1.50 anywhere around the world, you'll get two of these stickers and a url to download both songs.

also, competitititition:

it would greatly enlarge our egos if these stickers got stuck in prominent public places, such as the hands of big ben or your mothers face. so we have some signed exclusive awesome art prints and a super deluxe album pack to give away (it's too early for details, but trust us, they're going to be amazing and sell out) to those who send photo evidence of stickers stuck in the best places. it's not mandatory, we just get a buzz out of making people perform possibly illegal tasks for swag.

send photos to - johnnyforeigner@hotmail.co.uk, and title the mail "mentioning my mother was a step too far". we'll send out prizes on album release day.

aannnnnndddddd if that wasn't sweet enough, if you'd like th songs before Mr The Postman delivers, include a URL to a picture of "any fantastic animal" when you order from alcopop, and jack'll send you the linkage as soon as he sees it.

This, ladies and gentlefolk, is why we're better than other bands you may like.

alsos, and running the limit of how much information about a band people can absorb in one sitting; the excellent kevin j das has made us A PROPER WEBSITE at last. we've still got some things to fix and add, but we'll get round to that later. go lookee. thanks kevin!

ok cools. stay close, the next few months are fucking ours.

xlex

ask the audienzz

we've literally just come back from a little french tour, it was ace + more later, BUT, we had to work out a house party set, all stripped down and casio'd, and it was dead fun. more people offer us house/garden parties please.

right then. slightly breaking form of enigmatic silence, buttttttttttt

we want to do some special gigs for the autumn when our AMAZING new record is released. like, get some massive room and have bunting and stuff, and pick 5 other bands to play and have cake and special tshirts and stuff.

so. you could probably guess what bands we'd ask to play, annnnnnd we're not saying we won't listen to you and go um,no, but, you guys should get involved. we're thinking a LDN show, a birmingham show, and a somewhere else show.

suggest us some places. venues/cities. suggest us some bands. suggest fire eaters and bouncy castles and gardens and other such gimmicks and we'll see what we can arrange (get the adults to arrange for us)

UK only soz, we'll doubtless follow this up with a proper touring later on, but for now, something epic and grandiose seems to be the way forward. write to us at the bottom here, or on facebook or whatever. we're so super proud of how the album is turning out and we want to give birth to it proper.

oks, thank you in advance, o kind and benevolent fanbase of ours, excited...

french for high hat/vapour trails.

thanks maya!

small preface; phonogram is probably my favourite comic series ever. well, that or martha washington but that's not relevant here. i've been a total fan of kieron gillen since he called himself c-monster and did tips in the back of amiga power. ((infact, right, go read all of these. back? that, o eater uppers of modern media, is how to do consumer journalism)) AAANNYWAY, i was kinda annoyed at my own stoner memory; i forgot the rad little essay about curse songs at the back of one of the second series. a few people have pointed out the obvious thematic similarities, to which i guess i have to respond, we're both drawing influences from a pretty small niche, and it never crossed my mind that people would think i invented, or worse, claimed to invent, the concept of cursed songs. judging by the bulging sample folder we have for the record, it totally struck a chord with YOU GUYS, and i'm pretty sure kieron would agree and won't think that we're trading off of his ideas. At least, i was, until i mailed him a way wordier version of this paragraph and didn't hear back. ulp.

so he's going to fucking love this then:

TOUR EXCITEMENT 1)

cross your fingers please for this: assuming kelly says the right incantations to the print gods, then we should have some of our friend anja's amazing mini comic about the start of our band for sale on tour. here's the first and last page for appetite whetting:

how cool is that!

TOUR EXCETMENT 2)

here's a nice review of our frisbeep - BLAM that includes a free download of one of the songs wot is on it. Why not listen your ears out on it right now:

Johnny Foreigner - Twin Sisterzz by cerinusapodemus

i guess i guess the jackals have got yr back. all the smell of disinterest carving up shots for the soundtrack. and if the bar bets don't break yr bank, there'll be legends formed on rumours whored and forced. he wanted a night with twin sisters, now he's stranded at the barbican. i guess that's irony for some. she wanted the best of her exes but her sister got there first. and now certain songs are cursed. and maybe we're just jealous of what you've got. all those concrete shards to the sky make a neat backdrop for this weight. wake up sweating out. yr going to wake up sweating to yr phone; 15 messages and they've all read yr mind, like; what have you done? he wanted a night with twin sisters now he's stranded at the barbican. i guess that's irony for some. she wanted the best of her exes but her sister got there first, now she'd settle for the worst. yr not too young to settle down but maybe family is not the best example. but don't let that stop you....

TOUR EXCOTMUNT 3)

our camden crawl show (and maybeeeee the one before) will be our ONLY UK DATE as a four piece. Ben wot did live animated visual awesomeness for us in africa and america is coming over early for the euro-dates, come watch and be eye-amazed. the cat with lasers and it destroys cities and theres ghosts and also bon jovi. It really works better just being there, so don't let the fact that its camden and it's a crawl put you off.

other excitements

1) THESE YEAH. physical and digital distribution methods coexisting, it's like we've just gone and fixed the music industry for you all.

2) we're signed in france! MERCY BUCKETS! details soon!

3) seem to have inadvertently become twitter friends with the singer from mike fantastic. really? yes. the van that we were using last week, that they're using this week, we're using next week. hope they've left us some of those ubercool glasses. really? no.

4) can someone buy me a manbearpig shirt plz. you should buy one yrself cos they're like, the best band i've heard all year, but also get me one too.

aallssoo

thanks for all the messages re: That Guy and What He Said and What I Said and What Everyone Else Said and stuff. all the compliments on my words don't flatter me as much as knowing so many people feel the same way. Anyways, i'm pretty sure i just got in first in the stating the fucking obvious. for my money, ben patashnik is one of the best music writers we have and he phrases everything way better than i. did anyone hear me blathering about it on radio 6? i don't think i do soundbyte very well. whatevz, rsd is passing me by completely this year cos i'm spending the day checking in mass boxes of tshirts for the wrestling. so also please someone get me superchunk, deathcab, beck and suede plz thx.

FUCK WERE GOING ON TOUR AND WERE EXCITED SO YOU SHOULD BE TOO.

we can play loads of new songs without stopping and we remembered how to play lea room. click on the last blog post thing to see where we're playing and work out how many of the shows will be happening near you whilst you sit indoors moaning about your boring life on the internet. o wait, thats me. you'll be there, right?

OK ONE LAST THING. A COMPETITION, OF SORTS

if we don't at least get a "please leave wil wheaton alone" letter, then we're killing ourselves. straight up. You Meat Six (LOL) beat us to blink supportage (trivia, exactly 182 of my facebook friends "like" my band. even tho i only have like, 4 friends) and Mr Reading and Leeds has OBVIOUSLY LOST OUR NUMBER OR SOMETHING so this must be the summer we got wil wheaton on our record. Since mere tweets have failed, would it be too much to ask you guys to make signs and take pictures? yknow, like on "the four chans"

They must contain words like or similar to "JOHNNY FOREIGNER LOVES WIL WHEATON" and the prize for the best one will be something special and unique and handmade. by us. make sure to tag it @wilw so he sees it. and @lexkelandjun so we see it. which, with the picture link, should give you enough space to write "WIL PLZ READ", or "i'm only doing this to get my hands on whatever exquisite prize is on offer" ALSO, less nudity than other bands twitter competitions is encouraged (you two know who you are). wil is a family man and we don't want indieporn to ruin what small chance we may get to explain our request.

K awesome. see you all soon

I WEAR YOU LIKE RIBBONS

pies!

well that was mildly interesting. apologies to the apparently quite freaked out topshop marketing folks. it was never our intention to initiate mass brand slagging; we often find ourselves facing mini moral dilemmas like this one and we thought it'd be a fun experiment to see what our particular demographic would do in our place. also, pie charts are rad.

kinda pleased that the positive side won out, even more pleased to be like

HEY BIRMINGHAM WE'RE PLAYING THIS FREE SHOW AT THE CUSTARD FACTORY.

the original birds devonshire custard factory encompassed the whole block, not just the two buildings we know it as today. Our studio is on the far side of that block, so there could Very Plausibly be a secret tunnel leading to the stage. OMG AS IF.

anyways here is the the whole event eerily predicted by annoyingly tiny poster.

tsdr: tuesday 8th march, custard factory. text CTRL5 to 83338, get a secret code or something, and watch us burst out of a tunnel and play new songs.

We have too many new songs now, we need a whiteboard. thanks for partaking in our slightly bitter survey. More than anything i think this proves how easy it is to be angry on the internet, but i'm proud we illicit such a wide spread of opinions, it was like watching all the thoughts in our brains manifest themselves on facebook. eurghhhh.

next interactive game is called "roadie" and we'll meet you by the side of the stage after our set to start; each of you is assigned a flightcase or amplifier, and has to walk with it to our lockup, whereupon you get to shout "I've Been Conned!" and are declared the winner.

As a distraction i get to walk next to you droning on about how i'm not really as swayed as everyone else about Brendan Caldwells writing, but A Game Journo Story is the most fun indie computer game i've played in fucking forever. I'll probably go on about this one bit where your companion falls out with you because you put the killers on in a pub jukebox.

amazing.

other new to you news:

we'll be posting some more shows up in the next few days more UK including revised scotland dates. and maybe EUROPE but that might be a secret for now. but all the other dates leaking onto the interwebs are probably true

WE TOTALLY NEED A GRAND PIANO FOR OUR NEW ALBUM! seriously, does anyone in the birminghams know how we can get a couple of hours alone with a grand piano? just me, jun, and the worlds smallest 8track. we're hoping someone at The Rep likes our band but we'll settle for anywhere mildly illegal as long as it sounds, um, grand. write us up here with ideas:

johnnyforeigner@hotmail.co.uk

you should give this to your ears if you like our band + gameboy sounds. thanks euan lynn!

and lastly, album creation is going well, thanks for asking. we've tracked drums for 5 songs, I've sent my guitar off to a wizard to get refretted, and we have a title and everything. after the jaw-droppingly exciting news that dana made their new album with ross robinson, we were going to dress dom up as a different ross every month, but it seemed like too much effort and dom didn't look too impressed. still; open in paint:

(ross noble)

bye!

luna park

hello! i just heard of this band and i think you might like them too see?



this is philadelphia grand jury, they're from australia and, LONDONS, you can see them supporting us at 93fteast on the 26th of THIS MONTH. they're on an epic uk tour, go see them in other places too. we really need to stop booking gigs the day after one of us returns to the country, but never mind.

also, i went for a quick drink today with one of my total teenage musical idols, to talk about producing ALBUMNUMBER3. well, i guess its 4, technically speaking but anyway: EXCITING. can you guess who? heres a clue, its not anet mook. anyway, i dont think he remembers drunk me meeting him in the jug of ale 8 years ago, but he was just as cool as i remember. he gave me a beer and i kept it in my fridge for 3 years till pete from calories drank it.

and lastly, and it spins my head slightly i can even write this, if there's anybody with a johnny foreigner tattoo that hasnt already added a picture to our faceboke then, plz do it. you insane but ego-bolstering crazies. we want to cut off yr skin and make a blanket for our grandchildren JOKES.

nah, actually, we want to kind of organise our photos a bit betterer. what we're totally missing is pictures of our t-shirts, so if anyone has photos of themselves wearing any of our merch and looking SUPERCOOL and stuff, plz send it to johnnyforeigner@hotmail.co.uk so we can show them off to people. i don't quite know who, but they'll be well impressed. plz mark yr mail "COMMENT MAH PIX PLZ" so we don't lose it amongst the offers of discounted italian designer clothing and airmiles reminders.

k thx loves

google chrome, i like you.
kbyebyetraaaaaaa